What a year! It has been hard but, before I continue, I must remember the successes. I must stress that I am my own harshest critic and my own worst enemy. My biggest sphere of learning remains around accepting praise.
Did I honestly know what I was facing? No! I wasn't prepared for the volume of work, emails and phone calls. The pressure from doubting my abilities has been relentless and energy sapping. The hardest part of being BAUN President is the business planning and financial awareness required of the role. I thought I had a breadth of knowledge about the inner workings of BAUN, but at times I felt I had to know all the answers to all the questions that no one ever posed or asked. That is, in itself, hard work and unproductive. I am normally good at asking for help, but I've been poor at it this year. I've needed to take myself away frequently and give myself a good talking to. The pressure of responsibility and overwhelming sense of inability to do a job well has left me vulnerable to making mistaken assumptions without good reason, and poor performance and behaviour.
I for one take on a role with vigour, an inner expectation to do it well and demand success of myself. I want feedback and expect criticism, what I don't do well is receive praise. I am an emotional creature and altruistic. I usually seek help and guidance from those whose knowledge and feedback I respect, but this year I've been poor at doing this, resulting in a downward spiral that has made my reflections and judgements erratic and unpredictable. I then spend energy apologising and building bridges: what a waste of energy! Would I do it again? You bet I would! It nearly broke me, I have had to reassess my clinical role, I've changed my whole working week, but I can see the light in the distance as President year 1 comes to an end. It has also been a year of constant learning, professional and personal growth.
What have I learnt
What remains work in progress
It is amazing how fast conference comes around, then in a whirl it's flashed by, gone for another year. I am planning to be in Liverpool for 4 days, but this time will rush by. Conference is the highlight of the year and I hope those of you who secured funding attend with pride in your heart and have a wonderful time networking, listening, learning and interacting. To see people attending our events and engaging with each other is a proud moment. To give the opening address on day 1 and to present the year's work at the AGM are two more. To represent you nationally and internationally is the culmination of a career spent caring for urological patients and working within the urological network. Take the time in Liverpool to reflect on your personal achievements and the team you work alongside. Come to the AGM and hear about the work done on your behalf, be a voice within the membership and consider nominating yourself as a trustee next time around.
I hope the conference education programme offers you much to reflect on, that you all get the opportunity to replenish your store of personal resilience and that being away from the workplace allows you to stand back to assess and realign. Do this compassionately, reflectively and with the true spirit of caring for yourself. Most importantly, enjoy, network, engage and interact during conference.